Confession; I Have Trichotillomania

I'm sure your first question is, just what the heck is trichotillomania, Jana? Followed by, doesn't that hurt? Let's dive right in. Trichotillomania, which is rare enough that spell check doesn't recognize it as a word, is an impulse control disorder that involves hair pulling.

Prepare for all my selfies with Mabel.
Notice the patch of hair missing from my eyebrow and the complete lack of eye lashes.

For me personally, it means I pull out my own eyelashes and eyebrows. That may sound like it would hurt. It doesn't. I mean, if you were to pull out your eyelashes right now, that would probably hurt, but I've been doing this as long as I can remember and it isn't painful. It's annoyingly satisfying. It's also embarrassing and at times has been deeply shameful.

Perhaps it's easier to tell you about than to write about. Please watch this. And if you know someone with trich, please share it. I'd like to be helpful.

I've lived with this disorder my whole life, though the nature of trich is cyclical. Sometimes I have eyebrows and lashes, and sometimes I don't, and you'd be surprised just how little control I have over it.

Turns out, all the pictures that best show my lack of eye hair are selfies I took with Mubs.

One of my earliest memories involves pulling my eyelashes out. I was in my first bedroom and I remember the blue carpet and checkered bedspread. My parents have informed me we moved from that house when I was 2 1/2, so trich has been with me from toddlerhood. It's estimated 2-4% of people suffer from it, which is a lot of people, so I wanted to speak up so others with this disorder know they're not alone.

I recommend the wikipedia entry for further reading. Trich is difficult to treat because many people who have it, including myself, may not always be aware when they're pulling hair out. Some even pull in their sleep. When I do realize I'm pulling, I often don't know how long I've been at it, but once I know it's happening, I can make myself stop. Even that is hard. I mean, it's really hard. Like you want to keep going even though you know you'll be ashamed when you have no eyebrows the next day.

Earlier this year (2018) almost no eyebrows or lashes.

There are a couple products I've seen recommended if you're trying to stop pulling. The first is a bracelet that vibrates when your hand moves up to your head to make you aware that you're about to pull. It's by a company called Habitaware and is also useful for nail biting & dermotilomania (picking at skin). It's programmable and will also track habits for you so you can measure your progress. There is even a calming feature you can activate that will begin a deep breathing exercise. How cool is that? I think this tool would have been very helpful to me when I was younger, and I might pick one up next time I find myself in a bad cycle.

The second is simpler and more budget friendly, gel fingertip covers, also to raise self awareness to help you stop pulling.

Brows but no lashes. Mabel rocking her natural eyeliner.

Feel free to reach out to me if you also struggle with this. I know how embarrassing it can be, and if you need someone to listen, I'm here. Thanks for reading, and no matter what it is you're struggling with, just know that you're not alone. 

Be kind to each other, you never know hurdles someone else is facing.

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